The Problems of Being Ravan

This is a humour piece. No offence is intended against any person living, dead or fictitious. No offence or disrespect is intended towards the disabled or those born with certain disabilities/deformities. Please read it as it is meant to be... a humour piece, nothing else.

Circa: A long long long long time ago.
Scene: The finale of the Ramayana. Lord Ram and Ravan are locked in their epic battle and both of them have shot off more than half their arrows with little to show. Ravan has had a couple of his heads knocked off and is finding it increasingly difficult to defeat Ram.

Lord Ram: Give up, Ravan.
Ravan: Nothing doing! In fact, actually, I am going to do something.

<Poof> Ravan disappears in a blinding flash of light. Lord Ram blinded by the flash, manages to perceive that his enemy has managed to open a time vortex and disappear. Furious, he jumps in after Ravan.

<Poof> Ravan appears in modern day India at a government office in Delhi where people are lined up in a queue waiting for their turn to peek through the 3"x3" window and utter some gibberish that results in them getting some money. Wondering what it's all about Ravan asks the next man.

Ravan: What's up, dude? Why are you all standing in line here?
Man (takes one long look at Ravan and his eight remaining heads and eyes his sword suspiciously): Get in line!
R: What for?
M: To get your benefits. Have you filled up the form?
R: What form?
M: The form that will get you the disability pension. Or don't you want it?
R: Why should I want a disability pension?
M: Umm... ok, physical deformity pension?
R: What physical deformity?
M: Don't you have like, some extra heads, y'know?
R: Foolish man. Those are not extra heads. They are useful heads. How else do you think I am known to be so well-read? Each head has a brain that has read a lot of different things.
M (shrugging): Your wish, though I seriously suggest you fill up that form and get in line. I think the end of the line is outside that door.
R: OK. I shall fill it up and stand in line, only to gather a new experience.

Just then <poof> Lord Ram appears out of the time warp.

Lord Ram: Running away, eh, Ravan? But you can't escape me! Today you shall meet your destiny.
R: Ram, I seriously am not in the mood for any more fighting. I am busy.
LR: And why are you not in the mood to fight?
R: Because you called Rajinikanth over such a trivial matter. We could have sorted it out between ourselves. Why did you have to get him involved?
LR: Hah. Crying foul now, are you? Serves you right. Good shall defeat evil! And what are you doing with that paper? Is that some new evil plot you are hatching on it?
R: No, it's a disability pension form.
LR: Disability pension form? What in heaven's name do YOU need a disability pension form for?
R: To get a disability pension!
LR: What do you mean disability?
R: I've like, got y'know, like ten, sorry, now, eight heads?
LR: So, how does that make you disabled?
R: Hush, these days it's called physical handicap or deformity, if you please.
LR: Really? So, how does that make you disabled?
R: You know everytime I have to go through a door? Well, I can't just walk through it. I have to siddle past the doors sideways, like a crab, y'know. It can be very tiring. I asked the royal architect to break the doors and build new ones so that I could just walk through them. Do you know what he did? He told me to get my heads examined and to keep the best one. The rest, he said, should be discarded!
LR: Really? He said that? Tsk, I can imagine.
R: What's worse is when I am laying with one of my numerous wives.
LR: How is that worse?
R: You know, while I am hard at work trying to do what's right, the rest of the heads will start peeking and start whistling or giving directions or start taking some other wife's name. It's a real put-off and a head in the wrong place. Can you imagine, I can't even do a proper 69 with any of my wives! I need to call in 9 others so that each head is satisfied!
LR: Tsk, I pity you. You carry on standing in the line to collect your disability pension. I'll just scoot on, collect Sita and hike it back to Ayodhya. What say?
R: Yeah, and I would like it very much if you would ask Hanuman to stop burning my castles for fun. Oh and while you are at it, would you like to go around Lanka and see the sights and sounds of the place? There's some beautiful beaches we have back home. Let me know if you like it. I am putting in place a tourism plan for the island and would like some feedback.
LR: Sure. Is there some special package you are offering?
R: Heck, dude, I am standing in line here for a disability pension and you want a special package? Not fair, y'know. Now sod off and let me collect my pension.

A Fictitious Dialogue between Superman and Batman IV or The non-existent love life of Superman

Scene: Superman sitting in his Fortress of Solitude looking all grim and sad. Batman walks in looking as pleased as a Panda whose stuffed himself with some nice juicy bamboo shoots.

Batman: Yo, Supes, what's up? Why the long face? Why so serious, to quote the Joker?
Superman: I am sad, that's why the long face and, incidentally, I was born with a long face, unlike yours!
B: Bah, you've got no sense of humour. What's bothering you now?
S: Um... nothing.
B: C'mon, Supes, I know there's something bothering you. Tell me, what unfortunate philosophical dilemma have you encountered now?
S: It's just... no, never mind.
B: Tell me, Supie.
S: It's Hugh Hefner.
B: Heff? That old rabbit? What about him? Has he discovered one of your weaknesses?
S: No, nothing like that. It's just that I am jealous of him.
B: Jealous? Of an old man? Why? He's got nothing on you!
S: Actually, he does. He's almost 80, dying and yet he's got rooms full of naked girls falling all over him because they want to be with him. While I, with all my superpowers and all, am stuck with Lois.
B: But, Supes, Lois is a nice girl. She'll probably want to marry you and have kids with you... super kids.
S: No, she doesn't. She thinks one super jackass is enough for the world. Anyway, she doesn't want kids who are stronger than her.
B: Hmmm... that would be a problem. Listen, I gotta go.
S: (perking up a bit) Why do you have to go now? Is there something I can do? Beat up a supervillain or someone?
B: Nah. I got a date with this hot blonde chick. Don't tell Rachel, by the way. She thinks I am somewhere in northern Europe on some business, while she's at her sister's place babysitting her twins.
S: (With his jaw dropping to the ground and creating a crack in the earth) You've got a date with a blonde chick? Now, I am becoming jealous of you!
B: What for? Okay, tell me what happened with Hugh.

Batman: Tell me, Superman, What was Rachel doing at the
Playboy mansion?

Superman: I told you, she was having fun, just like you
last weekend! What do you want? A video recording?
Ask Spiderman for that. He's got lots of those and her's!

S: You know, early today morning, I was flying around town making sure there was no crime happening when I flew over the Playboy mansion and I nearly fell out of the sky. There were all these girls there in the mansion partying in the lawn around the pool. They were all looking so beautiful. All those tiny bikinis, nice taut bodies. Man, the things I could have done with all of them.
B: Well, Playboy mansion is known for that kind of thing. In fact, I have a key to the house. I can go there any time. I was there just last weekend and boy, did I have fun.
S: Hugh gave you a key? Why hasn't he given me one? You are making me feel worse.
B: Oh sorry. Listen, I'll leave you to your devices (looking around the empty Fortress) and well, let you sort it out yourself. (Thinking, thank god, he hasn't said a word about Rachel!)
S: Rachel was there.
B: Where?
S: Playboy mansion. She's not at her sister's place looking after her twins.
B: Huh! How do you know?
S: I flew over it, remember? And with my super eyesight, I can see better than you can at any given time and anywhere even in your darkest batcave.
B: What was she doing there?
S: Who?
B: Rachel, who else?
S: Same thing that you did last weekend.
B: What do you mean?
S: Having fun!
B: What kind of fun?
S: The usual kind.
B: (Getting exasperated now) You aren't making any sense, Superman. Tell me exactly what did you see?
S: Exactly what I saw was your girl, Rachel, having fun at the Playboy mansion.
B: Aaarrgghh... what exactly was she doing?
S: I told you, she was having fun!
B: Tell me, Superman, what was Rachel doing at the Playboy Mansion?
S: I told you, she was having fun, just like you last weekend. What do you want? A video recording? Ask Spiderman for that. He's got lots of those and her's!

Batman flings himself at Superman to hit him, only to be blown back by a blast of cold air from Superman.