102! That’s kilos! That’s me!
Unwittingly and unknowingly I have managed to get myself
into the three-digit weight category. How and when it happened, I don’t even
know, but suffice to say that it has happened (I guess it was inevitable!) and
I now look at the daunting challenge of having to bring myself back from the
brink and into the two-digit weight category.
Some would say losing a couple kilos is easy. I agree with
that, but the task becomes all the more scary considering that I need to lose
about 20 kilos to get my sweet-16 V-shaped physique back.
My weighty revelation took place on December 30, when while
weighing my mom’s suitcases (she was flying back to Majitar) I unwittingly, and
as a joke, stepped on to the weighing scale. I had a tough time looking at the
number as my awe-inspiring girth was hindering my line of sight. The first
inclination of something being wrong came from my son Anhad’s reaction. He
looked at the numbers on the scale and then he looked at me and then back at
the numbers and went, “Oh beta.”
Next to react was my mom. I am sorry, I am not going to put
those words down here. Suffice to say it was something about how I had better
shape up quickly. But would someone tell me what the damn thing was reading?
No!
Finally, taking a deep breath, I sucked in my stomach and
leaned over a little. The big red needle stood like an admonishing finger at
102. I shifted this way and that hoping it would show a slightly reduced
number. That big red needle refused to budge and stood its ground at 102. (I
now consider that big red needle no friend of mine!)
Since that day, a few very curious things have happened that
have been reminding me repeatedly of my weight. Let me list out a few of them
here (Please bear with me; I need to off load this weight!).
EVERYTHING PROTESTS
Soon after discovering how heavy I was, I decided I wanted a
cup of tea to wash that unpleasant fact down. So, with a piping hot cup of tea
in my hand, I went and plonked myself on a sofa in front of the TV. I still don’t
know if what happened next was because of my weight or because the damn thing
is weak. So, as I sat on the sofa, it creaked. But it wasn’t just a creak, it
was more of a wail that went on for about 3 seconds before stopping abruptly. I
breathed a sigh of relief and leaned back. The sofa protested again. I got up
and moved to another sofa which, in my household is referred to as my seat. I
love that sofa. It doesn’t protest or do anything and stoically braves and
bears my massiveness. I have since made it a resolve to sit only on that sofa
and not on any other sofa.
WITH GREAT WEIGHT
COMES GREAT INSTABILITY
I doubt I shall ever live this down, but well, I have to
record it. The same day, both the kids and Bhavna wanted to go out to the park.
The kids wanted to go run around and Bhavna just wanted to get out of the
house. So, for a change I accompanied them.
At the park, Anhad had the brilliant idea of having a race.
Now, I was an athlete back in my heydays and used to win a lot of races. I told
Bhavna and Anhad that they would lose since I could run very fast. Both of them
laughed at me. But I knew better. I knew I would defeat them and how.
So, having picked out a clear runway, all three of us stood
in line and at the call of “Go” all three of us took off. As I had expected, I
took a fantastic lead ahead of the rest of them. Later, I was told that I shot
ahead of everyone like a man possessed.
Since I was running after nearly 10 years and at full steam,
I was enjoying the feel of my lungs expanding inside my chest with the rush of
air into them and feeling my legs moving like a pair of pistons. I was
beginning to feel like Diego from Ice Age and was planning on singing “Whoo! My
paws are burnin', baby, are burnin'! I gotta tiptoe! Tippytoe, tippytoe...” as
soon as I finished the race.
About three-fourths the way to the finish line was when it
happened. I felt something go haywire in the perfectly oiled machine that I
used to consider my body to be. I realised that I was in danger of losing my
balance and tried to control my speed, but to no avail, I had already lost the
plot, my brakes had failed, yet the engine was pumping along at full power like
those of a downed submarine that is drowning and being driven to its own death by
its engines. I was going so fast I couldn’t feel the ground under my feet. Suddenly,
I felt my left ankle twist and found myself flying. The only difference was
that instead of heading up, up and away a la Superman, I was hurtling towards
the ground a la a brick!
I crashed! My left hand and shoulder hit the ground first
followed by my head. I got a scratch on my forehead, both knees were scraped,
my left thumb and right knee both got black and blue bruises.
Finally, like a crash-landed plane, I mowed to a stop and
rolled over. I couldn’t believe I had taken a tumble. ME! That fantastic
running machine of yore that used to win races, that used to leave the
opponents eating my dust. I saw Bhavna run up to me after what seemed like
ages. She looked at me, asked me if I was ok and then ran off to finish the
race(!!!!). I laughed some more and then got up and ran after her. Suffice to
say, I finished the race and came second.
I would have won had I not decided to take a crash course in flying.
EXPANSION IS THE
ORDER OF THE WAIST
There was a time when I used to pride myself on how well I
had maintained my body. My body was my temple. Wide shoulders, narrow waist, a
hint of six-pack abs etc. Over the last 10 years, I’ve let my body go. Now, my
body looks like a decrepit old temple around which a slum has grown up. As a
result, some parts of me have taken on massive proportions.
My waist, for one, which used to be a pert 32-inches is now
bordering on the verge of turning into a size 38. Thanks to my expanding waist,
my belt now looks as if someone shot it with a machine gun. It’s got holes at
all kinds of distances. Some holes are barely millimetres apart, while others
have a minimum one-inch distance between them.
Thanks to this expanding waistline, I have now realised that
round is also a shape. However, both Bhavna and Anhad tell me that an inverted
cone is a better and preferred shape. Meanwhile, my daughter, that pocket
rocket, has taken to using my stomach as a table/tabla/bouncy and what have
you.
REDEMPTION
Over the last couple of days I’ve pondered over a few
options to lose weight. While there are a lot of them available, almost all of
them involve me spending a heady amount of money. The cheapest option I’ve got
is free and involves me waking up early in the morning and going for a run and
doing some free-hand exercises. Later, when I’ve got some kind of control on my
weight, I guess I shall have to join a gym.
I promise to do that. As soon as the weather improves and
the cold goes away! Nope, I am in no mood to give up the warmth of my quilt and
getting up and going out for a run in the cold!
Cheers all!
