The Problems of Being Ravan

This is a humour piece. No offence is intended against any person living, dead or fictitious. No offence or disrespect is intended towards the disabled or those born with certain disabilities/deformities. Please read it as it is meant to be... a humour piece, nothing else.

Circa: A long long long long time ago.
Scene: The finale of the Ramayana. Lord Ram and Ravan are locked in their epic battle and both of them have shot off more than half their arrows with little to show. Ravan has had a couple of his heads knocked off and is finding it increasingly difficult to defeat Ram.

Lord Ram: Give up, Ravan.
Ravan: Nothing doing! In fact, actually, I am going to do something.

<Poof> Ravan disappears in a blinding flash of light. Lord Ram blinded by the flash, manages to perceive that his enemy has managed to open a time vortex and disappear. Furious, he jumps in after Ravan.

<Poof> Ravan appears in modern day India at a government office in Delhi where people are lined up in a queue waiting for their turn to peek through the 3"x3" window and utter some gibberish that results in them getting some money. Wondering what it's all about Ravan asks the next man.

Ravan: What's up, dude? Why are you all standing in line here?
Man (takes one long look at Ravan and his eight remaining heads and eyes his sword suspiciously): Get in line!
R: What for?
M: To get your benefits. Have you filled up the form?
R: What form?
M: The form that will get you the disability pension. Or don't you want it?
R: Why should I want a disability pension?
M: Umm... ok, physical deformity pension?
R: What physical deformity?
M: Don't you have like, some extra heads, y'know?
R: Foolish man. Those are not extra heads. They are useful heads. How else do you think I am known to be so well-read? Each head has a brain that has read a lot of different things.
M (shrugging): Your wish, though I seriously suggest you fill up that form and get in line. I think the end of the line is outside that door.
R: OK. I shall fill it up and stand in line, only to gather a new experience.

Just then <poof> Lord Ram appears out of the time warp.

Lord Ram: Running away, eh, Ravan? But you can't escape me! Today you shall meet your destiny.
R: Ram, I seriously am not in the mood for any more fighting. I am busy.
LR: And why are you not in the mood to fight?
R: Because you called Rajinikanth over such a trivial matter. We could have sorted it out between ourselves. Why did you have to get him involved?
LR: Hah. Crying foul now, are you? Serves you right. Good shall defeat evil! And what are you doing with that paper? Is that some new evil plot you are hatching on it?
R: No, it's a disability pension form.
LR: Disability pension form? What in heaven's name do YOU need a disability pension form for?
R: To get a disability pension!
LR: What do you mean disability?
R: I've like, got y'know, like ten, sorry, now, eight heads?
LR: So, how does that make you disabled?
R: Hush, these days it's called physical handicap or deformity, if you please.
LR: Really? So, how does that make you disabled?
R: You know everytime I have to go through a door? Well, I can't just walk through it. I have to siddle past the doors sideways, like a crab, y'know. It can be very tiring. I asked the royal architect to break the doors and build new ones so that I could just walk through them. Do you know what he did? He told me to get my heads examined and to keep the best one. The rest, he said, should be discarded!
LR: Really? He said that? Tsk, I can imagine.
R: What's worse is when I am laying with one of my numerous wives.
LR: How is that worse?
R: You know, while I am hard at work trying to do what's right, the rest of the heads will start peeking and start whistling or giving directions or start taking some other wife's name. It's a real put-off and a head in the wrong place. Can you imagine, I can't even do a proper 69 with any of my wives! I need to call in 9 others so that each head is satisfied!
LR: Tsk, I pity you. You carry on standing in the line to collect your disability pension. I'll just scoot on, collect Sita and hike it back to Ayodhya. What say?
R: Yeah, and I would like it very much if you would ask Hanuman to stop burning my castles for fun. Oh and while you are at it, would you like to go around Lanka and see the sights and sounds of the place? There's some beautiful beaches we have back home. Let me know if you like it. I am putting in place a tourism plan for the island and would like some feedback.
LR: Sure. Is there some special package you are offering?
R: Heck, dude, I am standing in line here for a disability pension and you want a special package? Not fair, y'know. Now sod off and let me collect my pension.

A Fictitious Dialogue between Superman and Batman IV or The non-existent love life of Superman

Scene: Superman sitting in his Fortress of Solitude looking all grim and sad. Batman walks in looking as pleased as a Panda whose stuffed himself with some nice juicy bamboo shoots.

Batman: Yo, Supes, what's up? Why the long face? Why so serious, to quote the Joker?
Superman: I am sad, that's why the long face and, incidentally, I was born with a long face, unlike yours!
B: Bah, you've got no sense of humour. What's bothering you now?
S: Um... nothing.
B: C'mon, Supes, I know there's something bothering you. Tell me, what unfortunate philosophical dilemma have you encountered now?
S: It's just... no, never mind.
B: Tell me, Supie.
S: It's Hugh Hefner.
B: Heff? That old rabbit? What about him? Has he discovered one of your weaknesses?
S: No, nothing like that. It's just that I am jealous of him.
B: Jealous? Of an old man? Why? He's got nothing on you!
S: Actually, he does. He's almost 80, dying and yet he's got rooms full of naked girls falling all over him because they want to be with him. While I, with all my superpowers and all, am stuck with Lois.
B: But, Supes, Lois is a nice girl. She'll probably want to marry you and have kids with you... super kids.
S: No, she doesn't. She thinks one super jackass is enough for the world. Anyway, she doesn't want kids who are stronger than her.
B: Hmmm... that would be a problem. Listen, I gotta go.
S: (perking up a bit) Why do you have to go now? Is there something I can do? Beat up a supervillain or someone?
B: Nah. I got a date with this hot blonde chick. Don't tell Rachel, by the way. She thinks I am somewhere in northern Europe on some business, while she's at her sister's place babysitting her twins.
S: (With his jaw dropping to the ground and creating a crack in the earth) You've got a date with a blonde chick? Now, I am becoming jealous of you!
B: What for? Okay, tell me what happened with Hugh.

Batman: Tell me, Superman, What was Rachel doing at the
Playboy mansion?

Superman: I told you, she was having fun, just like you
last weekend! What do you want? A video recording?
Ask Spiderman for that. He's got lots of those and her's!

S: You know, early today morning, I was flying around town making sure there was no crime happening when I flew over the Playboy mansion and I nearly fell out of the sky. There were all these girls there in the mansion partying in the lawn around the pool. They were all looking so beautiful. All those tiny bikinis, nice taut bodies. Man, the things I could have done with all of them.
B: Well, Playboy mansion is known for that kind of thing. In fact, I have a key to the house. I can go there any time. I was there just last weekend and boy, did I have fun.
S: Hugh gave you a key? Why hasn't he given me one? You are making me feel worse.
B: Oh sorry. Listen, I'll leave you to your devices (looking around the empty Fortress) and well, let you sort it out yourself. (Thinking, thank god, he hasn't said a word about Rachel!)
S: Rachel was there.
B: Where?
S: Playboy mansion. She's not at her sister's place looking after her twins.
B: Huh! How do you know?
S: I flew over it, remember? And with my super eyesight, I can see better than you can at any given time and anywhere even in your darkest batcave.
B: What was she doing there?
S: Who?
B: Rachel, who else?
S: Same thing that you did last weekend.
B: What do you mean?
S: Having fun!
B: What kind of fun?
S: The usual kind.
B: (Getting exasperated now) You aren't making any sense, Superman. Tell me exactly what did you see?
S: Exactly what I saw was your girl, Rachel, having fun at the Playboy mansion.
B: Aaarrgghh... what exactly was she doing?
S: I told you, she was having fun!
B: Tell me, Superman, what was Rachel doing at the Playboy Mansion?
S: I told you, she was having fun, just like you last weekend. What do you want? A video recording? Ask Spiderman for that. He's got lots of those and her's!

Batman flings himself at Superman to hit him, only to be blown back by a blast of cold air from Superman.

A Fictitious Dialogue between Superman and Batman III or The love life of Superman

(If any Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Wonder Woman, Mary Jane or Rachel lovers are hurt by this, be cool, guys, it's just fiction!)

Scene: Superman sitting in his Fortress of Solitude looking all grim and sad.

<Enter> Batman with his usual flourish and penchant for theatricality.

Superman: You know something? For all your finesse and all your gadgets and all, you are too loud. I could hear you coming from miles away.

Batman: That’s because you have super-hearing. A normal human wouldn’t have heard it. You are an alien freak.

S: True.

B: So what’s wrong today? And before you begin, I warn you, don’t you go anywhere near Rachel. Last night I was about to motorboat her when I remembered our talk and ended up going limp on her. I doubt I’ll be seeing her sometime soon.

S: Yeah, I know. I heard Rachel scream and kick you in the head. I had a good laugh.

B: Supes, you are ruining my love life. I can understand you have problems, but that doesn’t mean that you have to make my life miserable.

S: Sorry. I didn’t mean to, but well...

B: So, tell me what’s bothering you now?

S: Spiderman was here just a while ago.

B: Yeah, I know. I saw him limping out of here. He looked as if he had been run over by a lawn mower. What happened?

S: I had to beat him up.

B: You? Why?

S: Because of Mary Jane.

B: Who Mary Jane?

S: Spiderman’s girl.

B: Oh yeah. Ugly chick that. Nothing like my Rachel.

S: That’s what you think. Ask him.

B: Let’s not go there. So what about Mary Jane?

S: I got drunk last night.

B: And why did you get drunk?

S: You know how I’ve got this super soft corner for Wonder Woman and how badly I want to get in those tight latex panties of hers?

B: Yeah. I know.

S: Well, I decided to do something about it and asked her out. She refused, saying she couldn’t go out with me. When I asked her why, she replied, “Because we are Super Friends”. Man, was I heartbroken. So I went to the pub to get drunk and hopefully pick up a chick who would help me take my mind of my problems.

B: So? What’s that got to do with MJ?

S: Actually, I was not in my Superman suit and was at this pub on the 40^th floor of a high-rise building. Nice place. Great views of Metropolis all around. You should go there some time.

B: Ok. You went to a pub, got drunk, so?

S: Actually, MJ was there and well, we got talking.

B: So, did you bring her home? Is that why Spiderman was here?

S: No, no. I didn’t bring her home. I was having beer and she asked me if it was nice. I told her it was fantastic. I also told her it was so fantastic that after downing one beer, I can fly. She didn’t believe me. So, I downed one beer and stepped to the window and jumped. I took two rounds of the building and came back. She couldn’t believe her eyes.

B: So?

S: The stupid woman had her beer and went and jumped out of the window. There’s an MJ-sized blood stain on the road there now, not to mention a two-foot deep pit. Apparently, she bounced a couple of feet when she hit the road. And she was screaming, “I am flying. I am flying. I am flying.”

B: So... she’s dead, is it? You killed her.

S: No, I didn’t kill her. I just didn’t save her. There’s a difference.

B: Well, you did tell her that the beer could make you fly.

S: Dude, beer or no beer, I can fly. I am Superman. She wasn’t. And I specifically said I can fly, not she could fly.

B: Oh boy. So what did Spiderman say when he was here?

S: He wanted to know why I did it.

B: And?

S: I told him that I thought he needed saving, so well, there it was. Anyway, Spidey had earlier cribbed to me that she’s only great to look at; otherwise, she’s got a fused bulb for brains. And she’s hardly any good in bed; actually he used the word “web”.

B: Oh boy. So what did he do?

S: He tried to hit me.

B: Really? Fat lot of good it must have done him.

S: Yeah, he broke his hand. Anyway, he tried to hit me a number of times and ended up hurting himself.

B: So how did you get him to go home?

S: Oh simple, I showed him some of Rachel’s nude pics and told him she was looking for a boyfriend.

B: WHAT?? Where did you get the pics?

S: That’s for me to know and you to find out.

B: Superman, I am gonna kill you.

<Sounds of Batman hitting Superman and each time crying out in pain.>

A Fictitious Dialogue Between Superman and Batman - ii OR The Pleasures of Being Batman

(If any Superman or Batman lovers are hurt by this, be cool, guys, it's just fiction!)

Opening scene: Superman (all dressed up with nowhere to go and looking all haggard with a month-old beard, unkempt hair, blood shot eyes and wearing a clothes peg on his nose and ear plugs in his ears) sitting on a chair in a dark room in his flat, shivering and crying. Batman is standing beside him and looking around at Superman's Fortress of Solitude.

Batman: Superman?
Superman: -- (no answer)
Batman (moves closer to Superman and pull out his ear plugs): Superman?
Superman (jumping up and grabbing the ear plugs from Batman): Don't touch those. Those are the only thing that are keeping me sane.
B: Yeah, I know all about you and your problems. Can you hear me, though, with those ear plugs?
S: Yeah, I can. Super hearing, you know.
B: Can you hear the rest of the world also?
S: Yeah, I can. Super hearing, you know.
B: Then those ear plugs aren't any good, are they?
S: No, they aren't. Super hearing, you know.
B: Dude, listen. Why can't you be like me? All cool, y'know.
S: What do you mean?
B: I mean look at me. I also have an equal sized pad and my pad has so much more character to it. Your's, well, this fortress needs some drastic changes. Be like the bat, dude, cool!!!
S: What do you mean, be cool like you? I am cool, only I'm getting tired of some of these superpowers.
B: Dude, I hate to rain down on your parade, but tell me something. The only thing you have going for you is the fact that you can fly, isn't it?
S: Yes.
B: Well, birds can fly, too. As can some other superheroes and some of your villains. But well, let's look at what all's cool about me and uncool about you, shall we?
S: Bruce, I am so cool that everything here is made of ice. Can you get any cooler than that?
B: Sigh. Supes, you know nothing about being cool, do you? I mean... look at this place. It's just icicles standing or hanging or lying at different angles. There are no hidden, surprising corners. Nor do you have any gadgets like me.
S: What do you mean gadgets? I don't need gadgets. I am strong, I can fly, I have x-ray vision, super hearing and super sense of smell.
B: Dude, you are so out of sync with the people. No wonder the only person you've managed to get close to is Lois.
S: What do you mean?
B: You know to be a superhero is like being a brand. There's things that every superhero needs in order to get close to the masses... to make them love you.
S: Like?
B: You gotta have a nice cool ride with lots of buttons and flashy lights in it. So that the next time you rescue someone, and take them somewhere in your car, they can look at all those lights and keep wondering, "wow, this guy's sure got a lot of stuff in his car." Take, for example, my Batmobile. It's good looking, black as night, has lots of fun stuff, basically it's every male's wish come true. Every male in the world has wished for a car like this at one point in his brief, boring life. Now, when they see my Batmobile, imagine what they think. I've got a Batmobile. What've you got?
S (mumbles): Subway!
B: See? Subway's not cool, dude. You gotta have a fantastic ride. After all, the ride is important if you want some action with a chick, right?
S: Well, I can see why. I took this girl out flying after I rescued her. And well, she was so scared of heights, she shit in her pants. I had to spend the whole weekend washing my costume to get the stench out of it. Y'know... wash, blow dry it, wash, blow dry it... still smells, sometimes.
B: You've got issues, dude.
S: I know. ok. That's a car. What else?
B: You've got to stay cool... like really cool cool, as in keep your temper in check.
S: But I am always cool.
B: No you are not. Sometimes you get angry and well, you do a Hulk. Oh boy, now that's a superhero with some issues. And when he changes into that Green beast, the only thing he can say is, "Grrrrrr" and break things up, other than jumping about like a kangaroo.
S: He won't like it if he got to know you called him a kangaroo.
B: Yeah, don't tell him that. He's likely to go "Grrrrr" and start pounding my ass all over the place. And I love my ass... and Robin's... and Rachel's...
S: Yeah, I know, smelly, loud farts Rachel.
B: Now, don't start that. We've already been through that and you know I didn't like it.
S: Ok.
B: Third thing that you gotta do is you gotta learn how to relax.
S: Ok. How am I supposed to relax? Yoga?
B: Nope. Look at me. When I get tense, I go on a murdering spree.
S: Murdering spree?
B: Yeah, I play Call of Duty: Black Ops or God of War. Man, those two games are fantastic. Those two games let you do to the bad guys what you can't do in real life. I mean how many people have you killed in real life?
S: One only, actually, and that too I was forced.
B: You need to be able to approach people in your costume without the girls thinking you are looking through their clothes.
S: I can't help it. I see a nice curvy chick and boom, my x-ray vision kicks in and well... there it is, Superman junior at attention.
B: See? That's what I am talking about. Fooling the people while making them think that you are helping them. See my mask? I got an x-ray scanner built into it. The chicks don't know. They think I am blind as a bat and come close to me... giving me better views of their bodies through their clothes.
S: You are no better off than me!
B: Dude, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
S: I guess you are right.
B: You gotta have fancy gadgets in your fortress, dude, like I have in my batcave. I mean look at this place. This place is so full of empty space. You can build a home theatre in here... set up a nice music surround sound system, a dance floor, some secret passages... all the rest of the superheroes can come party at your pad here. And oh yeah, you gotta have a secret makeout room... you can bring Wonder Woman here some days and well, make the beast with two backs.
S: You all will probably end up cutting up the walls to get some ice for your drinks. But that bit about Wonder Woman sounds interesting.
B: Think about the possibilities, dude.
S: Maybe I'll bring Rachel over, one day. I love the way she swings her ass when she walks.
B: Don't do that, dude.
S: Oh yeah, now I get it... Rachel AND Wonder Woman, a menage a trois... goody.
B: (lunging at Superman to hit him) Claaaaaaaaarkkkk.... stop it...

Run, Fatboy, Run!

102! That’s kilos! That’s me!

Unwittingly and unknowingly I have managed to get myself into the three-digit weight category. How and when it happened, I don’t even know, but suffice to say that it has happened (I guess it was inevitable!) and I now look at the daunting challenge of having to bring myself back from the brink and into the two-digit weight category.

Some would say losing a couple kilos is easy. I agree with that, but the task becomes all the more scary considering that I need to lose about 20 kilos to get my sweet-16 V-shaped physique back.

My weighty revelation took place on December 30, when while weighing my mom’s suitcases (she was flying back to Majitar) I unwittingly, and as a joke, stepped on to the weighing scale. I had a tough time looking at the number as my awe-inspiring girth was hindering my line of sight. The first inclination of something being wrong came from my son Anhad’s reaction. He looked at the numbers on the scale and then he looked at me and then back at the numbers and went, “Oh beta.”

Next to react was my mom. I am sorry, I am not going to put those words down here. Suffice to say it was something about how I had better shape up quickly. But would someone tell me what the damn thing was reading? No!

Finally, taking a deep breath, I sucked in my stomach and leaned over a little. The big red needle stood like an admonishing finger at 102. I shifted this way and that hoping it would show a slightly reduced number. That big red needle refused to budge and stood its ground at 102. (I now consider that big red needle no friend of mine!)

Since that day, a few very curious things have happened that have been reminding me repeatedly of my weight. Let me list out a few of them here (Please bear with me; I need to off load this weight!).

EVERYTHING PROTESTS

Soon after discovering how heavy I was, I decided I wanted a cup of tea to wash that unpleasant fact down. So, with a piping hot cup of tea in my hand, I went and plonked myself on a sofa in front of the TV. I still don’t know if what happened next was because of my weight or because the damn thing is weak. So, as I sat on the sofa, it creaked. But it wasn’t just a creak, it was more of a wail that went on for about 3 seconds before stopping abruptly. I breathed a sigh of relief and leaned back. The sofa protested again. I got up and moved to another sofa which, in my household is referred to as my seat. I love that sofa. It doesn’t protest or do anything and stoically braves and bears my massiveness. I have since made it a resolve to sit only on that sofa and not on any other sofa.

WITH GREAT WEIGHT COMES GREAT INSTABILITY

I doubt I shall ever live this down, but well, I have to record it. The same day, both the kids and Bhavna wanted to go out to the park. The kids wanted to go run around and Bhavna just wanted to get out of the house. So, for a change I accompanied them.

At the park, Anhad had the brilliant idea of having a race. Now, I was an athlete back in my heydays and used to win a lot of races. I told Bhavna and Anhad that they would lose since I could run very fast. Both of them laughed at me. But I knew better. I knew I would defeat them and how.

So, having picked out a clear runway, all three of us stood in line and at the call of “Go” all three of us took off. As I had expected, I took a fantastic lead ahead of the rest of them. Later, I was told that I shot ahead of everyone like a man possessed.

Since I was running after nearly 10 years and at full steam, I was enjoying the feel of my lungs expanding inside my chest with the rush of air into them and feeling my legs moving like a pair of pistons. I was beginning to feel like Diego from Ice Age and was planning on singing “Whoo! My paws are burnin', baby, are burnin'! I gotta tiptoe! Tippytoe, tippytoe...” as soon as I finished the race.

About three-fourths the way to the finish line was when it happened. I felt something go haywire in the perfectly oiled machine that I used to consider my body to be. I realised that I was in danger of losing my balance and tried to control my speed, but to no avail, I had already lost the plot, my brakes had failed, yet the engine was pumping along at full power like those of a downed submarine that is drowning and being driven to its own death by its engines. I was going so fast I couldn’t feel the ground under my feet. Suddenly, I felt my left ankle twist and found myself flying. The only difference was that instead of heading up, up and away a la Superman, I was hurtling towards the ground a la a brick!

I crashed! My left hand and shoulder hit the ground first followed by my head. I got a scratch on my forehead, both knees were scraped, my left thumb and right knee both got black and blue bruises.

Finally, like a crash-landed plane, I mowed to a stop and rolled over. I couldn’t believe I had taken a tumble. ME! That fantastic running machine of yore that used to win races, that used to leave the opponents eating my dust. I saw Bhavna run up to me after what seemed like ages. She looked at me, asked me if I was ok and then ran off to finish the race(!!!!). I laughed some more and then got up and ran after her. Suffice to say, I finished the race and came second.  I would have won had I not decided to take a crash course in flying.

EXPANSION IS THE ORDER OF THE WAIST

There was a time when I used to pride myself on how well I had maintained my body. My body was my temple. Wide shoulders, narrow waist, a hint of six-pack abs etc. Over the last 10 years, I’ve let my body go. Now, my body looks like a decrepit old temple around which a slum has grown up. As a result, some parts of me have taken on massive proportions.

My waist, for one, which used to be a pert 32-inches is now bordering on the verge of turning into a size 38. Thanks to my expanding waist, my belt now looks as if someone shot it with a machine gun. It’s got holes at all kinds of distances. Some holes are barely millimetres apart, while others have a minimum one-inch distance between them.

Thanks to this expanding waistline, I have now realised that round is also a shape. However, both Bhavna and Anhad tell me that an inverted cone is a better and preferred shape. Meanwhile, my daughter, that pocket rocket, has taken to using my stomach as a table/tabla/bouncy and what have you.

REDEMPTION

Over the last couple of days I’ve pondered over a few options to lose weight. While there are a lot of them available, almost all of them involve me spending a heady amount of money. The cheapest option I’ve got is free and involves me waking up early in the morning and going for a run and doing some free-hand exercises. Later, when I’ve got some kind of control on my weight, I guess I shall have to join a gym.

I promise to do that. As soon as the weather improves and the cold goes away! Nope, I am in no mood to give up the warmth of my quilt and getting up and going out for a run in the cold!

Cheers all!