Warning: Some readers might find it offensive. Please don't take it personally.
Opening scene
Superman (all dressed up with nowhere to go and looking all haggard with a month-old beard, unkempt hair, blood shot eyes and wearing a clothes peg on his nose and ear plugs in his ears) sitting on a chair in a dark room in his flat, shivering and crying.
There's some noise coming from the other room as if someone is moving around there.
Enter Batman.
Batman: Superman, what are you doing sitting in the dark?
Superman (whimpering): I can't take it any more, Bruce.
B: What is it? Has Lex finally found a way to defeat you? Where did he manage to get the Kryptonite?
S: No, No... It's...
B: What is it, Clark? Tell me. Who has done this to you? Do you want me to call the JLA?
S: No... They can't help. Neither can you. It's me.
 |
| "Save me, Bruce, Save me." |
B: I don't understand, Clark. What could you have possibly done to yourself? You are Superman! The man with the coolest, most awesome powers in the world. You can spin the earth around if you want, you can fly, see through walls, you are faster than a speeding bullet.
S: I know, I know. For you and the rest of the world I have these great powers, but they don't know what it's like to have them. They are always at work. I can't switch them off even if I want to.
B: So? What's the problem?
S: I...I don't want these powers.
B: Whaaaaat? What will happen to Superman then? Who will fight Lex Luthor and his devious schemes? Who will save the earth from every murderous meteorite or asteroid that comes hurtling towards the earth threatening to wipe away all of humanity?
S: I don't know. I don't want to be able to hear everything, smell every thing or see through walls!
B: Huh? I don't understand.
S: You know I have this fantastic hearing ability? I can hear a pin drop a hundred miles away.
B: Yeah, I know. Like the rest of you everything is super. What about it?
S: Do you know what is the worst sound that a man can be forced to hear? The sound of someone letting loose a wet fart! Forget the sound of the pin dropping, I can hear every fart that is let out in this world by every single human... from infant to adult. Forget people's farts, I can hear animals farting. Now, think you have to listen to that sound every single minute coming at you from every direction. My super hearing is such that I can even hear what to a normal human would be a silent fart! For you a fart is within the human hearing limit. My superhearing acts like an amplifier and leaves every one of them ringing in my head. At times it feels as if someone put my head in a huge bell and rang it. I get headaches that don't go away.
B: I am sorry I asked.
S: Worse still. You know what is worse? It's the ability to be able to smell those same farts that overpower my hearing senses. I know, just from the smell of the fart, who has had what food recently, who has had sex and who hasn't taken a bath. Sometimes, the smell is so potent that I can almost taste it. Why do you think that stupid robot managed to hit me the other day? Because it was of one person who had gathered around to see me fight the robot. That idiot let out one of the foulest farts ever. I was overpowered by that smell and couldn't react. I wanted to get away from it. While I was debating whether to stay and fight the robot or get away from it, the robot managed to take a good swing at me. I did, however, manage to defeat the Luthor's evil robot in the end, but that fart has left me scarred for life, Batman. I can't go on like this.
B: Boy, and I thought the world had troubles.
S: That's not all.
B: Oh, what's left?
S: I think I am turning into a sort of pervert.
B: (raising his eyebrows suspiciously and taking a step back) How? You aren't going after men, are you?
S: Bruce, this is no joking matter. I can see through walls, Bruce.
B: Yes, I know, Clark, you can see through walls, so?
S: Did it ever strike you that I can also see through clothes?
B: I figured that a long time ago. So, what about it?
S: Well, everytime I am flying through the city, guess what I see?
B: What?
S: It's like having my own soft-porn channel. I see women... naked through their clothes.
B: And?
S: Like, last week, I was flying through the city and towards a disaster site when suddenly I spotted this young girl... she was 22 years... I checked her driver's licence. She was walking down the road wearing a pair of yellow jeans, a green tee-shirt and sneakers. Before I could realise it, my x-ray vision kicked in and I saw clear through her clothes. Boy, she had an ass or what? And guess what? She wasn't wearing any panties! And those titties, I just felt like boxing them. Each one of them was the size of a melon.
B: Clark, why don't you go spend some time in the himalayas? Go medidate and take your mind off things. Or, since you can do it, why don't you go medidate on Pluto for some time?
S: Bruce, do you know what Wonder Woman is really like under that costume of hers? She's H-O-T... hot! And her pubic hair is shaved to spell WW. And guess what Batgirl is really like?
B: Superman, it's OK. Don't talk. Just keep quiet.
S: Batgirl's got a weird bondage fetish... she's usually got clamps on her nipples when she's wearing costume. She's always hot, man. I think you should do her sometime soon. She'll like being whipped, I think.
B: (Getting uncomfortable) Uh, Superman, don't.
S: Why? Don't you want to know what each of the superheroes looks like naked?
B: No, I am getting uncomfortable here in this costume.
S: Too tight, is it? Not enough space for the bat to rise up?
B: Uh... yeah... I think I should go...
S: Before you go... your girl Rachel... do you know she lets out some of the loudest farts possible, but underneath her clothes, she's hot.
B: (lunging at Superman to hit him) Claaaaaaaaarkkkk.... stop it...
A scuffle ensues even as the curtains come down.
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