A Fictitious Dialogue between Superman and Batman III or The love life of Superman

(If any Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Wonder Woman, Mary Jane or Rachel lovers are hurt by this, be cool, guys, it's just fiction!)

Scene: Superman sitting in his Fortress of Solitude looking all grim and sad.

<Enter> Batman with his usual flourish and penchant for theatricality.

Superman: You know something? For all your finesse and all your gadgets and all, you are too loud. I could hear you coming from miles away.

Batman: That’s because you have super-hearing. A normal human wouldn’t have heard it. You are an alien freak.

S: True.

B: So what’s wrong today? And before you begin, I warn you, don’t you go anywhere near Rachel. Last night I was about to motorboat her when I remembered our talk and ended up going limp on her. I doubt I’ll be seeing her sometime soon.

S: Yeah, I know. I heard Rachel scream and kick you in the head. I had a good laugh.

B: Supes, you are ruining my love life. I can understand you have problems, but that doesn’t mean that you have to make my life miserable.

S: Sorry. I didn’t mean to, but well...

B: So, tell me what’s bothering you now?

S: Spiderman was here just a while ago.

B: Yeah, I know. I saw him limping out of here. He looked as if he had been run over by a lawn mower. What happened?

S: I had to beat him up.

B: You? Why?

S: Because of Mary Jane.

B: Who Mary Jane?

S: Spiderman’s girl.

B: Oh yeah. Ugly chick that. Nothing like my Rachel.

S: That’s what you think. Ask him.

B: Let’s not go there. So what about Mary Jane?

S: I got drunk last night.

B: And why did you get drunk?

S: You know how I’ve got this super soft corner for Wonder Woman and how badly I want to get in those tight latex panties of hers?

B: Yeah. I know.

S: Well, I decided to do something about it and asked her out. She refused, saying she couldn’t go out with me. When I asked her why, she replied, “Because we are Super Friends”. Man, was I heartbroken. So I went to the pub to get drunk and hopefully pick up a chick who would help me take my mind of my problems.

B: So? What’s that got to do with MJ?

S: Actually, I was not in my Superman suit and was at this pub on the 40^th floor of a high-rise building. Nice place. Great views of Metropolis all around. You should go there some time.

B: Ok. You went to a pub, got drunk, so?

S: Actually, MJ was there and well, we got talking.

B: So, did you bring her home? Is that why Spiderman was here?

S: No, no. I didn’t bring her home. I was having beer and she asked me if it was nice. I told her it was fantastic. I also told her it was so fantastic that after downing one beer, I can fly. She didn’t believe me. So, I downed one beer and stepped to the window and jumped. I took two rounds of the building and came back. She couldn’t believe her eyes.

B: So?

S: The stupid woman had her beer and went and jumped out of the window. There’s an MJ-sized blood stain on the road there now, not to mention a two-foot deep pit. Apparently, she bounced a couple of feet when she hit the road. And she was screaming, “I am flying. I am flying. I am flying.”

B: So... she’s dead, is it? You killed her.

S: No, I didn’t kill her. I just didn’t save her. There’s a difference.

B: Well, you did tell her that the beer could make you fly.

S: Dude, beer or no beer, I can fly. I am Superman. She wasn’t. And I specifically said I can fly, not she could fly.

B: Oh boy. So what did Spiderman say when he was here?

S: He wanted to know why I did it.

B: And?

S: I told him that I thought he needed saving, so well, there it was. Anyway, Spidey had earlier cribbed to me that she’s only great to look at; otherwise, she’s got a fused bulb for brains. And she’s hardly any good in bed; actually he used the word “web”.

B: Oh boy. So what did he do?

S: He tried to hit me.

B: Really? Fat lot of good it must have done him.

S: Yeah, he broke his hand. Anyway, he tried to hit me a number of times and ended up hurting himself.

B: So how did you get him to go home?

S: Oh simple, I showed him some of Rachel’s nude pics and told him she was looking for a boyfriend.

B: WHAT?? Where did you get the pics?

S: That’s for me to know and you to find out.

B: Superman, I am gonna kill you.

<Sounds of Batman hitting Superman and each time crying out in pain.>

A Fictitious Dialogue Between Superman and Batman - ii OR The Pleasures of Being Batman

(If any Superman or Batman lovers are hurt by this, be cool, guys, it's just fiction!)

Opening scene: Superman (all dressed up with nowhere to go and looking all haggard with a month-old beard, unkempt hair, blood shot eyes and wearing a clothes peg on his nose and ear plugs in his ears) sitting on a chair in a dark room in his flat, shivering and crying. Batman is standing beside him and looking around at Superman's Fortress of Solitude.

Batman: Superman?
Superman: -- (no answer)
Batman (moves closer to Superman and pull out his ear plugs): Superman?
Superman (jumping up and grabbing the ear plugs from Batman): Don't touch those. Those are the only thing that are keeping me sane.
B: Yeah, I know all about you and your problems. Can you hear me, though, with those ear plugs?
S: Yeah, I can. Super hearing, you know.
B: Can you hear the rest of the world also?
S: Yeah, I can. Super hearing, you know.
B: Then those ear plugs aren't any good, are they?
S: No, they aren't. Super hearing, you know.
B: Dude, listen. Why can't you be like me? All cool, y'know.
S: What do you mean?
B: I mean look at me. I also have an equal sized pad and my pad has so much more character to it. Your's, well, this fortress needs some drastic changes. Be like the bat, dude, cool!!!
S: What do you mean, be cool like you? I am cool, only I'm getting tired of some of these superpowers.
B: Dude, I hate to rain down on your parade, but tell me something. The only thing you have going for you is the fact that you can fly, isn't it?
S: Yes.
B: Well, birds can fly, too. As can some other superheroes and some of your villains. But well, let's look at what all's cool about me and uncool about you, shall we?
S: Bruce, I am so cool that everything here is made of ice. Can you get any cooler than that?
B: Sigh. Supes, you know nothing about being cool, do you? I mean... look at this place. It's just icicles standing or hanging or lying at different angles. There are no hidden, surprising corners. Nor do you have any gadgets like me.
S: What do you mean gadgets? I don't need gadgets. I am strong, I can fly, I have x-ray vision, super hearing and super sense of smell.
B: Dude, you are so out of sync with the people. No wonder the only person you've managed to get close to is Lois.
S: What do you mean?
B: You know to be a superhero is like being a brand. There's things that every superhero needs in order to get close to the masses... to make them love you.
S: Like?
B: You gotta have a nice cool ride with lots of buttons and flashy lights in it. So that the next time you rescue someone, and take them somewhere in your car, they can look at all those lights and keep wondering, "wow, this guy's sure got a lot of stuff in his car." Take, for example, my Batmobile. It's good looking, black as night, has lots of fun stuff, basically it's every male's wish come true. Every male in the world has wished for a car like this at one point in his brief, boring life. Now, when they see my Batmobile, imagine what they think. I've got a Batmobile. What've you got?
S (mumbles): Subway!
B: See? Subway's not cool, dude. You gotta have a fantastic ride. After all, the ride is important if you want some action with a chick, right?
S: Well, I can see why. I took this girl out flying after I rescued her. And well, she was so scared of heights, she shit in her pants. I had to spend the whole weekend washing my costume to get the stench out of it. Y'know... wash, blow dry it, wash, blow dry it... still smells, sometimes.
B: You've got issues, dude.
S: I know. ok. That's a car. What else?
B: You've got to stay cool... like really cool cool, as in keep your temper in check.
S: But I am always cool.
B: No you are not. Sometimes you get angry and well, you do a Hulk. Oh boy, now that's a superhero with some issues. And when he changes into that Green beast, the only thing he can say is, "Grrrrrr" and break things up, other than jumping about like a kangaroo.
S: He won't like it if he got to know you called him a kangaroo.
B: Yeah, don't tell him that. He's likely to go "Grrrrr" and start pounding my ass all over the place. And I love my ass... and Robin's... and Rachel's...
S: Yeah, I know, smelly, loud farts Rachel.
B: Now, don't start that. We've already been through that and you know I didn't like it.
S: Ok.
B: Third thing that you gotta do is you gotta learn how to relax.
S: Ok. How am I supposed to relax? Yoga?
B: Nope. Look at me. When I get tense, I go on a murdering spree.
S: Murdering spree?
B: Yeah, I play Call of Duty: Black Ops or God of War. Man, those two games are fantastic. Those two games let you do to the bad guys what you can't do in real life. I mean how many people have you killed in real life?
S: One only, actually, and that too I was forced.
B: You need to be able to approach people in your costume without the girls thinking you are looking through their clothes.
S: I can't help it. I see a nice curvy chick and boom, my x-ray vision kicks in and well... there it is, Superman junior at attention.
B: See? That's what I am talking about. Fooling the people while making them think that you are helping them. See my mask? I got an x-ray scanner built into it. The chicks don't know. They think I am blind as a bat and come close to me... giving me better views of their bodies through their clothes.
S: You are no better off than me!
B: Dude, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
S: I guess you are right.
B: You gotta have fancy gadgets in your fortress, dude, like I have in my batcave. I mean look at this place. This place is so full of empty space. You can build a home theatre in here... set up a nice music surround sound system, a dance floor, some secret passages... all the rest of the superheroes can come party at your pad here. And oh yeah, you gotta have a secret makeout room... you can bring Wonder Woman here some days and well, make the beast with two backs.
S: You all will probably end up cutting up the walls to get some ice for your drinks. But that bit about Wonder Woman sounds interesting.
B: Think about the possibilities, dude.
S: Maybe I'll bring Rachel over, one day. I love the way she swings her ass when she walks.
B: Don't do that, dude.
S: Oh yeah, now I get it... Rachel AND Wonder Woman, a menage a trois... goody.
B: (lunging at Superman to hit him) Claaaaaaaaarkkkk.... stop it...